July 1, 2018

Holy shit, it is SO HOT OUT. It’s 3am, and it’s 80 degrees of sticky, disgusting heat. At least James has AC in his car. He and I went to the wig store finally today (all cross-dressed up) when I woke up! It was so much fun, and (she) was BEAMING. It was so awesome seeing her get to excited embracing his cross-dressing side, and feeling confident going out dressed up. We originally planned to go from there to the drag bar – just she and I hanging out. However, he got a headache before we planned to leave…which unfortunately seem to cut a lot of our plans short :(. But you can’t control ’em! At least we had our fun shopping spree getting a super badass wig. We’re gonna be going out later in the week to celebrate her birthday to make up for it.

Once he(she) (I’m so bad at the pronoun thing but goddamnit, I’m getting there) went home to rest, I spent some quality time in front of my PC dissecting the code on my little side-project application. Haha, I actually worked on it when I got home from work early this morning. I got home at 8am, and I stayed up until noon because I was making so much progress. Go figure, I make the best progress as I’m about to crash after a 12 hour shift. I’M SO FREAKIN’ CLOSE. It’s so hard to work on code from scratch without any real understanding of how to program. I’m working with so few very basic concepts. Basically, I’m working out of what feels like 10 billion google searches. And I think I fail 10 times more than I succeed, but I’m actually having a lot of fun with it (especially the succeeding part haha). I’m not even joking when I say this – I’m not forcing my optimism. I’m finding myself legitimately looking forward to working on it on my free time. :)!

OH ALSO. technically this happened yesterday, but I really wanted to talk about it because it actually really affected me. Last night at work, I felt my pocket vibrate like 8 or 9 times as I’m passing meds. I got this HUGE text from a girl who used to be my friend. I’m not proud of it at all, but about a year ago I moved away from her area, and I slowly texted her less and less. I basically ghosted her after a while, and even if I wouldn’t respond to 10 consecutive text over a few months, she still continued to contact me. Finally I felt really guilty and told her I just didn’t want to be friends anymore. Apparently that didn’t give her any closure…because it’s been a month since I sent the message…And her response was very emotional.

I mentioned the situation to my coworker last night. She told me that you have to be honest, no matter what. You can’t hide the truth and hope it goes away…So I was brutally honest. I told her I just got bored of the friendship, I moved away, and prioritized new things. She wanted to walk around and talk about herself, her life, her opinions. We’d end up talking about the exact same things over and over, and going to the same places over and over. It just gets stale. And it’s so interesting to me that when I told her all this, her first response was that there were plenty of things we could talk about: her past, her car accident, her brother, her travels. Those were literally the examples she cited. We literally never talked about me. And I’m not self-centered, but there’s no conversation just listening to another person talk for hours and hours. I got 6 or 7 more pocket vibrations saying the same things, and a few other things I couldn’t really make sense of. My response “I’m really sorry, Rachel.” I feel guilty, but I honestly feel better being honest. I really need to be honest all the time, to everyone.

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