I AM SO….EXHAUSTED. I worked last night and basically had a pretty decent shift in regards to stress. However…I did spend the first four hours trying to send one of my all-time favorite patients to ICU. That was really sad and extremely frustrating (especially since an ICU transfer should ideally happen immediately – there’s a reason why they need to be up there). It’s especially hard when it’s a patient that I’ve seen dozens of times and really started to form a bond with. This patient just kept getting admitted, slowly deteriorating each time – and now he’s completely unresponsive. It’s not my least favorite part of my job now that I’ve come to expect it, but it’s definitely never gets easy to watch. Especially when everyone on the unit knows him by name, asks about how he’s doing today, etc. You quietly hope that these worst-case scenarios only happen to people who aren’t proactive about their health or who don’t try to follow their medication regimens…but you only come to realize that it slowly happens to anybody and everybody who starts to walk through those doors. Cancer fucking sucks.
Every time I go to work, it becomes so much more clear that nursing isn’t a good fit for me. It’s not the constant, stinging reminder of the the hand-sanitizer-induced eczema breaking down my hands every time I “foam in, foam out” of a room. Nor was it the commercial this morning on my patient’s TV advertising my actual dream company and its employment opportunities. UGH. Ultimately, there’s just not much that happens in a shift that I find satisfying. You’d think that helping people would be instantly gratifying for a lot of people…but in reality, its draining – especially when you don’t see any positive results from your efforts.
Anyway, good night for now!