I worked last night at the hospital, and I just couldn’t stop thinking about how much I didn’t want to be there. It sounds so awful…but I can’t even imagine working there full-time until the end of the year. I can’t imagine that’s how a career is supposed to feel.
I also had a lot of anxiety about this. My brain loves to turn to the “what if’s” of the situation – as anxiety often causes you to do. I kept asking myself: what if I’m never satisfied with a career? What if all I like to do is constantly change from one thing to another? What if all I like is novelty, and I’ll grow tired of anything I choose?
I thought about my Enneagram personality test result. I’m an Enthusiast to the most extreme degree – that basically means I’m driven by novelty and excitement (while still remaining practical of course)….Although I don’t remember always being that way, I’m definitely that way now. This year has been the most intense year for change that I’ve ever had. I’ve decided to make a HUGE life change from nursing to computer programming. I’m going to be moving in with my boyfriend, which is completely new territory for me. I’m also planning to adopt another cat – one who can’t use half of her body by the way lol. And I’ve started volunteering at the local cat shelter as of last week (I get to go there later today!!!). Almost all these new things are starting in October. I am frantically excited. SO EXCITED.
But I can’t help but wonder…What happens next year when I’m hired into (hopefully) my dream job? What happens when I reach my destination? Will I do the same thing as my first few days as a nurse? Will I immediately want to seek the next new and exciting change? If I’m nervous or scared about any of the multitude of things coming up – it’s that last question.
I really would like to see a therapist to get another perspective on all this. If I wasn’t so concerned about saving up my money right now, I would.
You don’t realize how much you need a lazy day until you have one. I haven’t had a day where I had absolutely no commitments in a loooooooooooooooong time. And damn it sure felt good.
Well… I did have one commitment. I had pre-work for my coding bootcamp to really dive into. I realized that I only have a couple days off that I can really work on my pre-work, especially now that I’ve decided to go to Chicago with my sister next week. I’ll be fine though! I’m making really good headway. I just have MAJOR ADHD when I’m trying to sit down and watch videos about methods and arrays haha. It’s especially hard to sit down when I want to be out walking in the beautiful weather. I used to be so good at sitting down and focusing on homework, but it seems that my study muscles from nursing school are out of shape.
Probably not the most effective way to get work done, but between videos and tutorials I ended up doing 3 loads of laundry, grocery shopping, cooking an entire chicken, teaching Schmee how to “stand up” with said chicken, repairing the cat tree in my living room, scrolling endlessly through Facebook (ugh I wish I could delete that app, but it’s not possible on my current phone), chatting with bae, opening a package that I was excitedly waiting on for weeks which ended up being a red sweater that looked absolutely nothing like the picture :(, writing a very frustrated review on said sweater, then writing reviews on my last 15 amazon purchases. Very productive day actually. I also got a lot of pre-work done throughout all of this, so I’m pretty proud :).
Long story short, my lazy day off ended up not actually being so lazy… I don’t think it’s actually possible for me to do nothing all day. However, catching up on all these little things made me feel so organized and re-energized.
Off to sleep! I’m hoping that dealing with all my little chores lets my brain rest. Maybe I can finally get a full 8 hours of sleep.
I had a great date with Derek yesterday. I actually had a sleepover at his house for the first time since we started dating over 2.5 years ago hahahaha. It was really nice :). And he took me on a canoe date on the river by his house!!! I loved it!
It was interesting working together to get the boat going. Derek started off in the front of the boat, and the whole time he was trying to direct the boat. If you know anything about canoes, you steer best from the back. He kept sticking his paddle in the water to turn the boat, but it really just slows the boat down when you do that from the front. Or he would try to steer by extra paddling on each side, and I would try to do the same thing and we would just keep ping ponging back and forth from one edge of the river to the other lol. We never yelled at each other or got mad about it, but it was really interesting trying to communicate effectively. I think we did a great job figuring it out, especially when we switched so he could steer hahaha. We also got free jello shots from other canoe-er. That was fuckin’ dope.
After that, we passed out and had a 2 hour nap date :3.
Fast forward to today. TODAY WAS AMAZING. I woke up early so I could get training at my nearest cat shelter. I’m an expert pooper scooper now :). I PLAYED WITH SO MANY KITTENS. It was so great. They had all their rooms filled with kittens! Even the bathroom!!!! And almost every single kitten (I’m talking like 14/15 kittens) were already adopted – they are just waiting to get a little bigger. I can’t wait to go again. I really wasn’t tempted to bring any of them home either, which I’m really proud of :). Schmee would absolutely not appreciate a hyper little kitten brother or sister anyway.
HOWEVER…There is one cat in particular I’ve been really interested in for the last week or so. Basically, I told Derek that I’m going to be adopting another cat once he moves in – basically because of this cat alone. Her name is Riley, she’s a beautiful calico, 12 years old, and she can’t use her back legs. She’s a scooty butt!!!! Apparently she’s a sweetheart and she has been in foster care for over a year now. I’m going to meet her at her foster home in a couple weeks. If she loves cuddles and doesn’t bite, then I’m going to adopt her in October! I want a cat that likes being held and loved on – I need a balance to my nibbly little Schmeebert hahaha. And I feel like Schmee won’t mind her as long as she stays out of his business.
I’ve always been interested in adopting a cat with special needs…as weird as that sounds. I’ve spent the last week looking up articles and videos about paralyzed cats and how to care for them. I’m very excited to meet her and I hope it’s a good fit :). I’ll keep you updated!
I just really did not want to write about the shift I had on the 25th. Not gonna lie, I feel like it’s really hard to come up with interesting things to talk about when I work….HOWEVER… Last night I had something very interesting happen.
Right in the beginning of my shift, right as I was trying to pass my first meds, my nurse assistant comes up to me and says “Hey, Ann, could you come into room 52 next?” “Sure, no problem” Kinda weird that she come into another patient’s room to tell me that, but okay. She comes back not even a minute later, “Ann, I need your help in 52.” Immediately, I’m like oh shit what’s going on. I drop what I’m doing and head over…First thing I see is my patient coughing up clots of blood onto his gown. AWESOME. The monitor was furiously beeping showing his oxygen saturation at 70%. Not fucking good. Immediate doctor call. The patient was arguing at me through congested coughs that he wants to know what pills he’s getting this evening. “Mr. B, that is absolutely not our priority right now” as I’m frantically snapping a non-rebreather onto his face. For those of you who aren’t medicals, that’s the breathing device you choose when you want to get literally as much oxygen as humanly possible into a person’s lungs without intubating them. Saturations increased to a whopping 80%.
Doctor runs in and immediately calls a code blue. A code blue is kinda like a non-rebreather mask – but instead of getting oxygen inside the patient, you use it to tell every doctor in the hospital to get the fuck inside this patient’s room. Since the non-rebreather wasn’t doing jack-shit, the team intubated him so they could suction blood straight from his lungs. SO MUCH BLOOD….. Oh my god. Needless to say, that patient did stay on my unit for long after that.
I was pretty proud of myself for remaining so calm. Codes are so fucking hectic, and I basically just stood around to be a helping hand and provide any information about the patient. That’s all you can do, even though you feel pretty useless just standing and watching.
It was also really interesting. I really liked feeling challenged and the adrenaline rush (even though I was frazzled for like an hour straight after that). I’m not really sure what I liked about it….I think I just like that it was something different. Normal shifts are pretty boring. Don’t even fucking say it through, I don’t want to be an ICU nurse.
So, today was pretty good. I had a day off, so I went with my mom to the card shop and sold my(and my mom’s) 9 entire binders full of Pokemon cards. It was not bad, we got about as much as I expected – $250. And that’s a LOT of Pokemon cards. Mom thought we would get $5,000 for it all, and the guy at the store scoffed when he heard that. Honestly, I think both of us are glad that those giant boxes are gone and we don’t have to deal with fucking Ebay. I just felt really guilty splitting the money we got back 50/50, when I know my mom bought probably 95-96% percent of those from garage sales, flea markets, wherever. I think I’m gonna try to treat her with the money I got. Have like a girl’s night with it :).
After that, I went clothes shopping. I really need short sleeved shirts, but GUESS WHAT I GOT. SWEATERS. GREAT JOB, ANN. I’m currently changing up my wardrobe, so I’m buying new styles and purging my old looks. I love purging old things; it feels good for some reason to have as little as possible. I thought a lot about that today when I was with my mom. She is a hoarder. It’s not an awful case like you’d see on TV, but I remember not being able to walk in the basement when I was a kid. Hence why we had SO MANY POKEMON CARDS, and she continued to buy them even after I stopped showing interest in them. I was always so embarrassed for people to see how messy our house was just because of the sheer number of things we had in our house, so from then on, I vowed to keep only what I really used (and really make sure I’m going to use something before I spend money on it).
After shopping, I talked to my roommate, Emma, for like 2 hours. We have so much in common, it’s pretty fucking cool. I hope she and I will chill/have a night out sometime soon. Now I’m sitting around on my laptop…looking at cat adoption ads and cat hoarder documentaries. I really want to adopt this calico cat that is absolutely adorable, but can’t use its back legs. I am totally up for that challenge hahahaha, I don’t really mind at all. If that cat is still available in October when my roommate moves out, I’m definitely going to adopt her. :3!
I did a lot of reflection today, so buckle up for a long entry today lol.
I woke up to a great evening with Derek! I woke up a little earlier so I could stop at the grocery store and actually buy food. My fridge had ABSOLUTELY nothing in it. I don’t believe in letting food expire/wasting money, so I only shop when all my food is gone. I was starting to make almost-expired boxes of pasta from my pantry, and I realized my grocery store visit is probably overdue haha. Plus, I wanted to make a nice dinner for Derek! I made some pesto chicken and roasted potatoes, yummy :).
We just hung out and cuddled all evening. Had some sexytimes, even though I felt like I made him feel obligated. He and I have much different libidos…so I sat down and had a talk with him about it, and he responded by immediately giving me what I wanted…which made me feel guilty, but also satisfied.
I’ve actually made it my policy all freakin day to be upfront and honest about what’s been bothering me in the relationship. I mentioned a lot of things today. Usually I just let things go and bottle up my frustrations because…I don’t know, for some reason I’m scared that he will want to end the relationship unless I’m the “cool girlfriend” and cool with everything. Ever since I listened to that podcast about relationships, I’ve really been thinking a lot about what I really want out of a relationship. And I think that’s why pretty much everything that bothers me came out all at one time: wanting more sex, more texting throughout the day, and to talk about deeper subjects. Derek really could go for weeks without sex, he prefers to call me once a day (which is fine, but I would love to just shoot the shit randomly throughout the day).
He is also completely uninterested in talking about deep subjects like feelings, opinions, etc which really surprising to me that it frustrates me so much. I think it’s because I think/ponder/day dream non-stop, but somehow he just doesn’t at all. When I try to ask him questions about his thoughts and feelings, all his responses are so surface level or “I just haven’t thought about it.” I try to talk to him about my perspective and he is completely uninterested, doesn’t really ask questions about it, or starts looking at his phone. I would really internalize this and feel like I’m “too boring” or “think too much.” But I realized that a lot of people love talking about their feelings and thoughts, and it’s absolutely okay to do so. It’s also okay to not really delve that deep into your personal thoughts, but I wasn’t feeling heard by Derek.
I really don’t want to sit here and complain about my boyfriend because I really love him. Every relationship has flaws! But I’ve been really opening my mind to think about my relationship problems from a different perspective after that podcast episode, and I think that’s really healthy :). I’m also really proud of myself for bringing them up and being authentic. By the way, important to mention, the podcast is called Sad Boyz, and if you’re into this kind of conversation, YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY LISTEN TO IT.
I’ve really noticed that I frequently default to this
recurring theme of “this is how I should feel, so I must feel that way.” This wreaks havoc on my sense of personal identity – especially in my relationship. I struggled with this SO MUCH when I first started dating Derek 2.5 years ago. I would cry just cycling through the things I said, the references I missed, the jokes I laughed too hard at…Stupid. I went to therapy because I was a nervous wreck. I’ve gotten better, but there are still so many thought-habits my brain gets stuck on, and I usually don’t even realize it’s happening. I’m really glad I’m exploring that side of myself and being me!
Along those lines, I took the Enneagram personality assessment, which was so extremely infortmative about my personality as well. Unlike the Myers-Briggs test (which has somehow become the golden standard for assessing personality types), the Enneagram Assessment was developed through research by a psychologist. Turns out, I’m an Enthusiast (#7). Basically this means that I’m a novelty seeker, an excited optimist, a forward thinker, and a practical spender. SURE SOUNDS FAMILIAR.
Needless to say, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking today!
Last night was definitely a chill shift on the Oncology unit. I had only one patient that was obnoxious. It was a patient that was literally bleeding out of his ass almost non-stop, and he wouldn’t do anything about it. He would just let us know, wipe the blood up with a rag, then throw the rags all over the ground, next to all his trash, water cup, and food containers. He refused to have an absorbent pad on the bed (which would be easy to change, as opposed to all the bed linen). And to top it all off, there was really nothing we could even do about it. So no matter what nurse walked in, they all said the same thing “put pressure on it until it stops bleeding.” He would take the wet rag we’d hand him and throw it immediately away. Like what the hell. Oh and I didn’t mention that he’s also HIV+. So not only was his room disgusting, but it was a safety risk as well. Needless to say, I spent the least amount of time in that room as possible.
It made me think about a health presentation I went to in high school. It was actually my parents’ doctor, who I’ve always thought was kinda off, but now think he’s a complete idiot now that I’ve actually entered the medical field myself. He was presenting information about STDs to an auditorium full of sophomores. I remember him specifically talking about AIDS/HIV and how the virus can only last seconds outside the body. He said (almost an exact quote) that if someone with AIDS bleeds, you could “wait 10 seconds and dip your hands in it.” I’ve remembered that for almost a decade now. It made me feel a lot safer going in and out of that obnoxious patient’s room…until I brought this little factoid up with my coworker. She didn’t believe me, so I smugly google checked it. Sure enough, holy shit….it lasts 6 DAYS outside the human body, not 6 seconds. What the fuck.
It’s possible that my memory is flawed – it has been an extremely long time…But I remember the visualization he painted in my mind so vividly. I still think my parent’s doctor is a fucking idiot for a variety of other medical advice he’s given/decisions he’s made. I’m going to tell them to switch doctors (for the 12th time) next time I see them.