August 1, 2018

I worked last night at the hospital, and I just couldn’t stop thinking about how much I didn’t want to be there. It sounds so awful…but I can’t even imagine working there full-time until the end of the year. I can’t imagine that’s how a career is supposed to feel.

I also had a lot of anxiety about this. My brain loves to turn to the “what if’s” of the situation – as anxiety often causes you to do. I kept asking myself: what if I’m never satisfied with a career? What if all I like to do is constantly change from one thing to another? What if all I like is novelty, and I’ll grow tired of anything I choose?

I thought about my Enneagram personality test result. I’m an Enthusiast to the most extreme degree – that basically means I’m driven by novelty and excitement (while still remaining practical of course)….Although I don’t remember always being that way, I’m definitely that way now. This year has been the most intense year for change that I’ve ever had. I’ve decided to make a HUGE life change from nursing to computer programming. I’m going to be moving in with my boyfriend, which is completely new territory for me. I’m also planning to adopt another cat – one who can’t use half of her body by the way lol. And I’ve started volunteering at the local cat shelter as of last week (I get to go there later today!!!). Almost all these new things are starting in October. I am frantically excited. SO EXCITED.

But I can’t help but wonder…What happens next year when I’m hired into (hopefully) my dream job? What happens when I reach my destination? Will I do the same thing as my first few days as a nurse? Will I immediately want to seek the next new and exciting change? If I’m nervous or scared about any of the multitude of things coming up – it’s that last question.

I really would like to see a therapist to get another perspective on all this. If I wasn’t so concerned about saving up my money right now, I would.

 

July 18, 2018

I had a busy but reasonable shift. I worked fairly efficiently. I realized today though that I might be a little too efficient because I love multitasking a little too much. There was a point in my morning that I was drawing blood from a central line while checking the patient’s intake and output then subsequently slowly infusing a nausea medication while charting my lab collection into the computer. That is a 7 minute process, and I effectively made it into a very complicated 4 minute process. Please, hold your applause.

I felt empowered today after my break. I spent the hour listening to a few YouTube videos about conversation skills. One video specifically recommended cutting the small talk when you meet someone, and just ask questions that make them think. I thought it was so fucking cool. People who were willing to share answers to questions like “What do you want to do before you die?” instantly connected to the stranger that asked it. Many even got emotional. It made me a little emotional AHHH. One day I hope to try it (or even make deep questions a regular conversation starter).

I also stayed over after work today with one of my coworkers for a one hour “Super User” class. Basically, this means that we are learning about a new technology so we can teach other people on our unit how to use it as well. I’m not 100% sure why I decided to continue doing this obligation even though I know I’m going to leave in a couple months. I think part of me wanted it on my resume, part of me liked the idea of an extra hour on my paycheck, and I also just kinda felt like I should give back to my unit in some way…Regardless, I’m happy I went. I ended up getting a nice little giggle hearing my coworker’s little baby snores as the presenter droned on hahahaha. I didn’t know whether I should tap her awake or just enjoy the quiet sleepy sounds. Spoiler alert: I did not wake her >:3.

I also realize I’ve told a lot of my coworkers about my career change plans. I really can’t believe how supportive they are about it :). It makes me feel so much more confident about my decision when people get excited for me. I really need to keep my mouth shut though lmao. I have a few more months to go, yet.

July 17, 2018

I WORKED. AND IT SUCKED. Okay…Well it wasn’t the worst shift I’ve had. I still wished I wasn’t there wiping butts. One of my coworkers made a really good point during our shift last night. Nobody at our job ever says “I’m so excited to come back to work” or “I love being here.” I will hear “I can’t wait to go home” or “I wish I didn’t have to come back tonight” at least 10 times per shift, however. Hell, I’ll say it myself at least 10 times a shift. I think that’s very interesting. Granted, we’re all paid to be there for a reason – but there are very few people on my unit that actually seem to enjoy being there. This is something that takes up 3/7ths of our week…And nobody likes it.

For a while I would hear people say that they enjoy their job, and I legitimately wouldn’t even believe them. I’ve heard many of my peers talk about their jobs (many of which have been in their fields for the same amount of time I have). They say that they really like the challenges or that they really find the work satisfying. I was at my most cynical at about the 6 month mark of my new nursing job; I would spend my free time calculating how much money I’d need to save each month to retire at the age of 35 or how soon I could get a roommate so I could live off part-time wages. I even aimed to get a graduate degree in nursing so I could afford to enjoy retirement even sooner. It was about that time when I really couldn’t believe that anyone really liked their job. You get degrees so you can survive (easier) and that’s it. And what scares me the most in hindsight is that it seemed so normal to me to just trade your life away until you get to enjoy your retirement years. I think that’s a thought process I learned from my dad.

I’ve accepted that a lot of people actually do genuinely enjoy what they do. This gave me a lot of hope for my future – that there’s more to look forward to each day than retirement or working as little as possible. This is what really launched me into the search for non-nursing careers.

Anyway, that’s enough ranting for now – I need SLEEP…

July 12, 2018

I AM SO….EXHAUSTED. I worked last night and basically had a pretty decent shift in regards to stress. However…I did spend the first four hours trying to send one of my all-time favorite patients to ICU. That was really sad and extremely frustrating (especially since an ICU transfer should ideally happen immediately – there’s a reason why they need to be up there). It’s especially hard when it’s a patient that I’ve seen dozens of times and really started to form a bond with. This patient just kept getting admitted, slowly deteriorating each time – and now he’s completely unresponsive. It’s not my least favorite part of my job now that I’ve come to expect it, but it’s definitely never gets easy to watch. Especially when everyone on the unit knows him by name, asks about how he’s doing today, etc. You quietly hope that these worst-case scenarios only happen to people who aren’t proactive about their health or who don’t try to follow their medication regimens…but you only come to realize that it slowly happens to anybody and everybody who starts to walk through those doors. Cancer fucking sucks.

person using black blood pressure monitor
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Every time I go to work, it becomes so much more clear that nursing isn’t a good fit for me. It’s not the constant, stinging reminder of the the hand-sanitizer-induced eczema breaking down my hands every time I “foam in, foam out” of a room. Nor was it the commercial this morning on my patient’s TV advertising my actual dream company and its employment opportunities. UGH. Ultimately, there’s just not much that happens in a shift that I find satisfying. You’d think that helping people would be instantly gratifying for a lot of people…but in reality, its draining – especially when you don’t see any positive results from your efforts.

Anyway, good night for now!

 

 

July 11, 2018

HOLY MOLEY. Waking up at 6am is definitely not a treat for my night-shift brain. However, it was totally worth it! I went to a Women in Tech Symposium hosted by Google and the school I’m going to learn programming through. It was great!!! There were only 2 dudes!!! Hahaha. We started off at like 9am, and I knew I wanted to just put myself out there and talk to a shitload of people. So I did!!! And everyone there was so eager to chat back!!! And I met some very cool ladies, all of different tech and non-tech related backgrounds. I expected a lot more to be enrolled in the programming course I’m in, but there were only a couple alumni and a couple that were interested. I think that added even more to the diversity of the group :).

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As a very basic summary, we did different sessions that focused on things like how to emphasize your accomplishments and skills, building resumes, how to build your brand, and understanding barriers to women in a male-dominated field. I thought the latter was especially interesting because my current position as a nurse is obviously extremely female dominated. Yet, even though only 10-20% of my coworkers are male (and even less now on the oncology unit), I’ve still experienced many extremely uncomfortable and creepy neck/shoulder massages at work from one of male nurses that I needed to formally confront. But there’s all sorts of things of things to keep your eye out for in the workplace, and it was interesting hearing people’s experiences.

Needless to say, it was very informative! I’m so glad I went! And the moment I got home, I crashed. I’m glad I got some sleep, but I woke up suddenly from a really upsetting dream about an owl that flew away carrying someone’s cat. I was so upset, throwing things at the owl until I just woke up. So after that, I just stayed up and loafed around, watching Star Trek.

THERE IS ONE GREAT STORY I WILL LEAVE YOU WITH, HOWEVER. My wonderful, asshole cat, Schmee was hanging out, watching TV with me. He starts licking himself,

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doing whatever cat-things, when I look up to see his head flailing around. What the fuck, Schmee? Apparently, he somehow got his bottom jaw stuck under the brand new collar I bought for him LOL. OH MY GOD, I DIED LAUGHING. I knew he was gonna try to claw the shit out of my arm the second I tried to undo the collar; as previously mentioned, he is indeed an asshole. But I couldn’t even stop laughing long enough to help him. Maybe I’m the asshole lol. Finally I got it loose, and I also got some pretty sick red lines up my arm. Lol, I love that lil guy :).

And there ya go. It’s almost 5am so that’s about 24 hours in four paragraphs haha.

July 7, 2018

Yeah, I just got back from work. You know what? It really sucked tonight. I spent a couple hours trying to figure out how to fix an extremely preventable mistake from the nurse I worked after. And when I say extremely preventable, I mean like press two buttons on the IV pump preventable. HOURS of my night taken to correct that. All she had to do was flush the IV line after drawing blood from it. I was so fucking peeved. Plus also a fellow coworker lovingly told me, right as I was excitedly walking off the unit: “Oh. Hey, you have shit on your shoulder.” I look back and sure enough, there was an actual actual smear of human feces right below my fucking ear. How. What. Why. The. Fuck.

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I know software development will have it’s bad days, and I’m sure I’ll eventually have to clean up after somebody’s computer mess one day…But at least it won’t be this. Things like this just make me even more excited for the next phase of my life!

For now, I sleep…So I can wake up and do it all over again.

 

July 2, 2018

I guess I’ll be writing more about yesterday than today, technically. I had such a great time at Derek’s house :). It’s been probably over six months since I’ve even been there, thanks to his work being so conveniently located near my apartment.

His brother is also going to be in the coding bootcamp that I originally signed up for starting this month, so Derek, he and I were dissecting his prework and working on it on of his projects. I’m not gonna lie, I was a little discouraged by my difficulty understanding a few of the concepts. Derek’s brother seems like a real natural at coding and understanding abstract concepts quickly…and it was really hard not to compare myself to him. Even though it was a little discouraging, it makes me want to work extra hard to really understand programming. I feel like being a girl in a male-dominated industry, I have to work a little harder to prove myself. And it’s going to be much more difficult than starting out in nursing – something that was not especially challenging for me. I’m definitely willing to put in the effort, though. And I think I’m going to reap the rewards and satisfaction when I’m done :).

person looking at phone and at macbook pro
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