August 1, 2018

I worked last night at the hospital, and I just couldn’t stop thinking about how much I didn’t want to be there. It sounds so awful…but I can’t even imagine working there full-time until the end of the year. I can’t imagine that’s how a career is supposed to feel.

I also had a lot of anxiety about this. My brain loves to turn to the “what if’s” of the situation – as anxiety often causes you to do. I kept asking myself: what if I’m never satisfied with a career? What if all I like to do is constantly change from one thing to another? What if all I like is novelty, and I’ll grow tired of anything I choose?

I thought about my Enneagram personality test result. I’m an Enthusiast to the most extreme degree – that basically means I’m driven by novelty and excitement (while still remaining practical of course)….Although I don’t remember always being that way, I’m definitely that way now. This year has been the most intense year for change that I’ve ever had. I’ve decided to make a HUGE life change from nursing to computer programming. I’m going to be moving in with my boyfriend, which is completely new territory for me. I’m also planning to adopt another cat – one who can’t use half of her body by the way lol. And I’ve started volunteering at the local cat shelter as of last week (I get to go there later today!!!). Almost all these new things are starting in October. I am frantically excited. SO EXCITED.

But I can’t help but wonder…What happens next year when I’m hired into (hopefully) my dream job? What happens when I reach my destination? Will I do the same thing as my first few days as a nurse? Will I immediately want to seek the next new and exciting change? If I’m nervous or scared about any of the multitude of things coming up – it’s that last question.

I really would like to see a therapist to get another perspective on all this. If I wasn’t so concerned about saving up my money right now, I would.

 

July 5, 2018

This shift has been amazing so far, sweet Jesus. I’ve spent a couple hours online shopping for a new smart watch, listening to some chill tunes while walking all over the hospital, telling disgusting stories to my coworkers.

My coworkers and I were sharing stories about phlegm while hanging out in the nurse station. I told my one coworker that I had a story to top them all. James uses a pop can to spit into, and he just leaves it in the bedroom… Well his girlfriend was drinking that same type of pop one day…. Hahahahahahaha my coworker immediately vomited the moment I said that story – I didn’t even finish, go into details, nothing. She RUNS to the nearest trash can and heaves. Hahahahahahaha I was DYING of laughter. Am I a twisted human being? Most fucking likely.

After that, I kept an eye on another nurse’s patients while she was on break. One of her patients called me in to empty his urine containers. I did that, no problem and asked if he needed anything else. “Actually… I just want to talk, if that’s okay. I can’t sleep because I keep thinking about dying. They’re talking about hospice tomorrow. I’m 76, I’m not scared to die; I just don’t like the idea of not living. ” He then told me his story.

It’s really hard to talk about death to people who are dying. I’ve never been there, or anywhere close to where they are. I’m not really sure what to even say. But it’s a common conversation around the cancer unit… And I had to learn how to just listen. Listen and realize how much I want to live every second of my life as much as I possibly can. I realized so fast that I won’t be enjoying my life talking about death with cancer patients who tell you over and over “live while you’re young” “enjoy your health while you have it.” It’s immensely depressing, so I’m gonna follow their advice… And I hope I’m doing the right thing.