July 23, 2018

I did a lot of reflection today, so buckle up for a long entry today lol.

grilled meat with green ladies finger vegetable on white ceramic plate
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I woke up to a great evening with Derek! I woke up a little earlier so I could stop at the grocery store and actually buy food. My fridge had ABSOLUTELY nothing in it. I don’t believe in letting food expire/wasting money, so I only shop when all my food is gone. I was starting to make almost-expired boxes of pasta from my pantry, and I realized my grocery store visit is probably overdue haha. Plus, I wanted to make a nice dinner for Derek! I made some pesto chicken and roasted potatoes, yummy :).

We just hung out and cuddled all evening. Had some sexytimes, even though I felt like I made him feel obligated. He and I have much different libidos…so I sat down and had a talk with him about it, and he responded by immediately giving me what I wanted…which made me feel guilty, but also satisfied.

I’ve actually made it my policy all freakin day to be upfront and honest about what’s been bothering me in the relationship. I mentioned a lot of things today. Usually I just let things go and bottle up my frustrations because…I don’t know, for some reason I’m scared that he will want to end the relationship unless I’m the “cool girlfriend” and cool with everything. Ever since I listened to that podcast about relationships, I’ve really been thinking a lot about what I really want out of a relationship. And I think that’s why pretty much everything that bothers me came out all at one time: wanting more sex, more texting throughout the day, and to talk about deeper subjects. Derek really could go for weeks without sex, he prefers to call me once a day (which is fine, but I would love to just shoot the shit randomly throughout the day).

adult black and white cellphone communication
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He is also completely uninterested in talking about deep subjects like feelings, opinions, etc which really surprising to me that it frustrates me so much. I think it’s because I think/ponder/day dream non-stop, but somehow he just doesn’t at all. When I try to ask him questions about his thoughts and feelings, all his responses are so surface level or “I just haven’t thought about it.” I try to talk to him about my perspective and he is completely uninterested, doesn’t really ask questions about it, or starts looking at his phone. I would really internalize this and feel like I’m “too boring” or “think too much.” But I realized that a lot of people love talking about their feelings and thoughts, and it’s absolutely okay to do so. It’s also okay to not really delve that deep into your personal thoughts, but I wasn’t feeling heard by Derek.

I really don’t want to sit here and complain about my boyfriend because I really love him. Every relationship has flaws! But I’ve been really opening my mind to think about my relationship problems from a different perspective after that podcast episode, and I think that’s really healthy :). I’m also really proud of myself for bringing them up and being authentic. By the way, important to mention, the podcast is called Sad Boyz, and if you’re into this kind of conversation, YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY LISTEN TO IT.

I’ve really noticed that I frequently default to this

adult alone autumn brick
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recurring theme of “this is how I should feel, so I must feel that way.” This wreaks havoc on my sense of personal identity – especially in my relationship. I struggled with this SO MUCH when I first started dating Derek 2.5 years ago. I would cry just cycling through the things I said, the references I missed, the jokes I laughed too hard at…Stupid. I went to therapy because I was a nervous wreck. I’ve gotten better, but there are still so many thought-habits my brain gets stuck on, and I usually don’t even realize it’s happening. I’m really glad I’m exploring that side of myself and being me!

Along those lines, I took the Enneagram personality assessment, which was so extremely infortmative about my personality as well. Unlike the Myers-Briggs test (which has somehow become the golden standard for assessing personality types), the Enneagram Assessment was developed through research by a psychologist. Turns out, I’m an Enthusiast (#7). Basically this means that I’m a novelty seeker, an excited optimist, a forward thinker, and a practical spender. SURE SOUNDS FAMILIAR.

Needless to say, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking today!